loveIt's a funny thing that happened, one day I was as healthy as a horse, so to speak. The next I was in bed for several weeks awaiting surgery. It all started with a pain in my side I assumed was a simple gall bladder attack. For the most part so did the ER Doc's until an untrasound revealed a "cyst" on my ovary. I was sent home with some mighty potent drugs to let the cyst break as they usually do. Several days later I was back with worsening pain, this time ther was a "mass" that was large and twisting around my ovary. Again I am sent home awaiting test results and with some mightier pain killers.
Eventually I ended up in surgery, no cancer, but some twisted tubes and a few organs removed. It was definitely an experience; from the uncertainty of what was wrong, to the fear of cancer, to the anxiety of surgery and more results, the frustration of hospitalization, and the recovery.
For me the worst part is always the hospitalization.Being a nurse makes it difficult, knowing how things can and should flow, versus the way they do. In this case I had a problem with only one nurse who was one of the least comapassionate people I have met. All of the others had a good understanding of my high level of pain (it took 2 days to get my pain meds right), and how I needed to co-ordinate my movement to chairs, showers etc. with my meds. However this one individual must have had her own unbreakable schedule and I she was assigned to me on the second day, when I was also thrown into menopause. I wasn't exactly in my normal free-wheeling place and when I am so sick I am not the usual assertive person I am in real life.Strange how when one is ill so much of who one is changes. It is difficult to be so dependent. She was tough to cope with for 12 hours, but it was over and she was gone.
I have thought a lot about her since. How sad it is to work on a women's surgery floor, and be a woman, yet not be able to either have empathy for a patients pain, or be so entrenched in one's own way/schedule that allowance can't be made for comfort and care of one's patient. I have not yet done anything about the event but I will write the unit with my concerns soon. Hopefully it will affect some slight change for the better.
Thankfully I have been meditating for a long time now. I was able to help myself with the pain by using it and my breathing to help me deal with what felt so overwhelming. As I now return to health I have used my contemplative meditation to look at the lesson in all of my experience.
I have looked very hard at myself and my own compassion. I have changed jobs and am now working in the Emergency Department doing Psychiatric Assessments of people in crisis, having psychotic episodes, or other such serious mental health issues. Now more than ever I am in a place where full compassion is needed, and where only a cool head, quiet voice, and deep understanding will prevail. My experience as patient is first in my mind as I deal with the helplessness felt by most everyone that has to walk through these doors.
I accepted the new job when it was actually offered to me while I was in the ER. Maybe without a body full of morphine I may have thought better of the whole deal. However I do believe my path was placed in front of me just at a time I needed it most, all I had to do was follow it, so here I am.
I am enjoying the job a great deal, and while the pace is faster, the stress is actually less. I don't have to carry a caseload, therefore do not hold onto the pain and suffering of long term addictions/mental health clients. For now this is a good place to be as I complete my own process of healing. I also see major opportunities to teach colleagues about the stigma of mental health. There seems to be more here in the ER than in any other place I have been in a long time. SO yes, I'm probably exactly where I need to be.
Namaste'
Heather
