Well it happened... March rolled in like a Lion here in Nova Scotia, the moon eclipsed ... and I turned the BIG 5-0. Rather uneventful due to a bout of the flu that kept me in bed for most of a 2 week vacation, what a waste that flu shot was this year! Oh well, I did get lots of rest before the big day so I was able to take it lying down AND sitting up!!

I decided a while ago that I loved being over 40, so moving on to 50 was something I looked forward to. At 40 life really opened up to me in so many ways, the first and most fun had to be the discovery of multiple orgasms....yes I said that!! My only wish...oh how I'd known at 20!!

The next best thing was singing. Since I had some kind of strange and cruel grade 2 teacher tell me I couldn't sing and was tone deaf, I'd never even tried. At 46 I thought one day ... %^#@ her, and I checked it out. Turned out I wasn't tone deaf, and could carry a note or two so I took singing lessons. I was a great time and opened new worlds to me I hadn't explored before.

Somewhere in there I started back on my many years of spiritual searching. The journey lead me to discover my personal path was Buddhism. Since then my world has changed so very much. It has become more wonderful, beautiful, open, kind, abundent, compassionate, and rich in every way. There is no way to truly express the experiences I have had with this other than to say that awakening to my true life has been awesome, strange, at times painful, and yet beautiful.

Between 40 and 50 my love deepened for my family and I discovered I loved dogs. Since then my dogs are a part of my family and have brought joy into all our lives. My daughters grew up, and with that came an amazing freedom, and a new relationship with the 2 that are now young adult women.

There was sadness of course, the loss of my mother, father-in-law, of  friends and colleagues through job changes. There were stressors of all sorts, raising 3 teen girls, surviving high school with them, seeing them with their first broken hearts, and making it past Prom night.

There were simple discovery's such as the flavour of Jamican Blue Mountain coffee, Chai Tea, and Sushi, mosty because after 40 I became more daring and wanted to try new things of all sorts. I bought my first brand new car for just me and not because my husband picked it out as a "good buy". I gave things away, and am still struggling with purging much more of what I own that is truly useless to me now, but might serve someone else.

Pain also happened, physically with injuries and surgery. Emotionally with disappointments, losses, and hurt. Some caused by other's, some of my own making.

Yet, I survived it all and found within the freedom to finally be myself in most every way. I didn't have to care what other's thought, worry about impressions, or judgements. I stepped out of the fear of "just going for it" and did things I never imagined. I laughed and played more and harder, and when I cried I wailed. My heart grew larger, and my ego smaller. Sometimes this wasn't as pleasant as I'd like, it allowed me to feel more of other's pain, but it was so good to make such a connection with the world and all in it.

Friendship's deepened, and I found interesting new ways to make new friends.Fascinating people entered my life, each of them coming to either teach me, or learn from me, in one way or another.

I read 466 books, maybe more, that's the number I counted of books I own. Many more were given away, loaned, shared and passed on to where they need to be so are no longer on my shelves to count.

So.... what does one do at 50 to celebrate in a personal way this grand mark of half a century of life? A way that is silly, fun, daring, foolish, simple, and yet as bold as the number ? Well... one - ME - buys themselves the HOTTEST red high heeled shoes I could find, and gets a tattoo of something wonderfully meaningful to me, a Dragonfly. I giggle every time I look at the shoes, not sure if I can even walk in them anymore, but they are so fun to put on and take a few pictures in, or sing a song wearing, or.... something that might lead to that FIRST discovery!

My tattoo appointment is next week, I'm looking at designs.....it's an amazing time to be 50. I am going to LOVE and LIVE every second of this next decade that I am in this life to enjoy.

Namaste

Hello ..... it's been a long, long time....

After my last return, we had the inevitable Holidays, and following those I managed to chip a bone in my foot. We are having a most bizarre winter here in Nova Scotia, warm raining days, followed by freezing ice and snow, melting high temps, then more ice .... as a result we've had record numbers of broken bones in our ER. I happened to be one of them, though minor, I chipped bone in my heal. It had me in bed and literally on ice for a few weeks. However now I am back to work, and other than some pain when I am on my feet to much, am doing better.

While resting in my forced break, I was reminded of the "pain" of daytime television. What pitiful stuff to have to watch when there is little else to do. I read as much as I could, and without a lap top could only spend a little time on the computer. I napped, I talked to the dogs, phoned people not working, but until my 14 year old came home from school, for the most part I was stuck with the TV for "entertainment". As the days went by I grew less and less tolerent of what is being projected as entertaining. Other than "Oprah", it all seems to be conflict - conflict with other people, conflict with our own bodies, conflict with the law, in politics, with religons, in schools, with loved ones. Dr. Phil, who I used to enjoy on occasion had almost every show about "conflict". I wondered, since when did "conflict with the world" become the norm ? Did I miss that decade? What happened to good manners, kindness, compassion, and just plain common sense ? Maybe that's why most days I feel like I'm "just not getting it", because conflict is a rare thing in my life, and when it happens, I try to resolove it quickly, or after a little venting make a concious choice to let go, but rarely do I hold onto it for very long. Certainly not long enough to take to court before Judge Judy, or to Dr. Phil, or to really even mention to anyone in particular. My conflict belongs to me, I either caused it, or am part of the cause if I am involved in it, so it's up to me to my part to fix conflict, not take it elsewhere and make it bigger.

Perhaps that's why so many people look outside themsleves for help. As children, at least in my "generation", just past the baby-boom, we didn't have particularly good role models for conflict resolution, and didn't pass it on to the Yuppie's, the X-generation, and whatever we are calling it these days. The model now seems to be to spread it as wide and far as you can, or blame thyself, or take it to a public forum, or fight it out on TV ....and the list goes on. Maybe that's why everyone in my workplace ... grown adults and professionals, were to attend a "conflict resolution" one day seminar. Imagine! Since all I do all day is help resolve conflict, I could abstain from the 1200.00 a day "consultant's" program ... oh I have to laugh, or cry .... aha- a conflict!! LOL!!

So now it is the middle of February. That awful month, short but snotty!! One never knows what February brings in my part of the world, it's unpredictable and like my now 15 year old (on Feb. 11), is forever changing it's mind and clothes. I think February must be an adolescent, glum one day, overjoyed the next, dealing with constant changes, funny, annoying, lovable yet will drive one to drink!!! Oh well, it'll soon be March ... and I turn 50 in March...accckkkk. That's a whole other blog, but I am actually celebrating it with lots of fun, friends, sex, and a great photoshoot I just had for that little Vaudevill/Burlesque Troop/Mae West thing I am doing. (See new pic on Blog). 

Here's hoping my blog buddies will know I am still alive, and now kicking again. Stay off the ice, and I'll be back soon.....

Namaste

Heather

Well we finally managed to come up with a name for the upcoming "holiday" that is more in keeping with my own sense of the chaotic, rediculous, stressed out people, and yet a very amusing time of year. Our family has decided we will celebrate and give thanks to ALL the dead trees that gave their lives to have strange things hung on their branches, and then be tossed out after dropping it's needleds all over the floor.

Our "Dead Tree Celebratrion" will be funfilled, with the Eggnog, Xmas tunes, and all the usual trimmings. I have lots of gifts for my girls, but in keeping a promise to husband just got him some second hand cardigans, for his work. I could buy him new ones, but he won't wear them to work then - because it's new - and it will hang in his closet till it rots. This way he can get the use of it, and feel OK because it is not new. Ironically I paid only 5.00 for them, and the tags were still on them from the previous owner - someone gave them away new - likely from the closet they hung in for years waiting to be worn - because they were "too new to get dirty at work". Now they are my old/new sweaters and get to be worn. The irony is really funny, and sad at the same time. A lesson in "enjoying the moment, and what you have NOW", don't put it away for a "good day" that may not come.

I work over the Holidays except for Christmas (Dead Tree) Day. I am kind of glad this year to be seperated from it all. I am simply having a hard time connecting my own beliefs, faith, with that of what I am now seeing in the world around me. I want to do my best to keep my family feeling positive and happy, they so deserve it. At the same time it is a struggle for me. It is a bit easier to just not be there for some of the lead up.

My 7 month old Boxer puppy is very excited about all the gifts she wants to tear open, and all the nice rattling paper. She was so happy to be in the middle of all the wrapping going on, stealing bows, bags, paper, and running off to hide it in her hiding spot - which is very obvious to anyone. She also likes to pull branches off the bottom of the tree, and hide them. It truly is so much fun to watch her. Since this is her first winter, she is not too keen on the cold. I got her some second hand "hoodies", children's size 6, and she loves to put them on and wear them, it's too funny to see her going dragging it behind her for us to dress her up in it. I'll post some pics after the holidays so you can see her.

Well, back to work for awhile. Hopefully there will be no suicides, and no deaths today. Here's prayin'...

Namaste

Heather

It's all so crazy, the chaos, hustle and bustle, commercialism, guilt, shame, and a never ending list of connections that goes along with this time of year.

This is my second year working in the Emrgency Room of a major hospital, and the only trauma centre for the whole province. In my past positions I became very aware of the connections made with what has become a less than happy time for so many people. In this job it is glaring, how bad it has become.

I removed myself, as much as possible, from what we refer to as "Christmas" 2 years ago, and each year I work a little harder to disconnect with this holiday. However, since I still have children that want to celebrate, I do so, and do my very best to enjoy every precious moment, despite the truth I have come to know. My daughter's do understand what my spirituality is all about, and do support me completely. I give back by supporting them in their celebrations. At the same time they know that as the years goe on, while I will always have food, joy, love, and sharing waiting for them, I ask that they we decrease our gift exchange, and when we give, we donate our gifts where it is most needed.

As in my last Blog, the place I work can be such a difficult place during holidays. Today is another. There are many unreported suicides this time of year, more than any other time. There are more attempts than any other time of year. Today there is a horrific suicide, with all of the blood fit for some TV show. There is a devastated family somewhere today, but with hope this also may mean life giving organs for another, a reason to celebrate, (I  hope), for more than one family tonight.

This holiday we call Christmas, is all over the TV, every store decked out with music and tinsel, choirs, shows, commercials with promises of happiness and people "filled" with joy. I don't see too many shows or commercials talking about how to reach out for help if this same season is creating unsurmoutable heartache, serious depression, a relapse into addiction, or thoughts of death or suicide. Each year we see tradgedy surrounding malls, schools, highways and each year we quickly blame individuals for the events. Sadness has many faces, depression many more, anger several more, heartbreak surrounds us all. As often as I see a commercial for the latest computer, I'd like to see one that gives a message of hope to those who have little left. I would like so see less people come through the door as organ donors because of the inability to cope with the pain, and the pressure put on them to make a "christmas" that is depicted in the commercials, hallmark cards and TV shows. I would like to see this season celebrated by so many, be about something far more important than it has become.

Having said all of this, my own lesson to take home is to remember that I MUST celebrate every moment I can with those I love. I cannot take anything for granted, and I must choose carefully who I spend precious time with so as not to waste any more than is necessary. Life is so very precious, and so very fragile. Every day we loose a battle to save a few, every day we must celebrate those that we manage to still be a part of.

Namaste

Heather